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Quote Of The Month
"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom." -----Dangerfield



This page is made up of some of the best emails to cross our computers. The Pocket Internet posts them as submitted and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to them.

Cover Item:

Kosher Millionaire
via CatCrazy

Welcome to "So you Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher Millionaire."

Now, of course, you know all the Rules:

YOU HAVE THREE LIFELINES to help you, as follows:

1. You may call your Rabbi for his Opinion.
2. You may ask the Congregation for their Opinion.
3. You may consider your Wife's or Mother's Opinion... or not!

SO..... let's play "So, You Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher Multimillionaire!"

Q: Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A: Netanyahoo.

Q: What's the name of facial lotion made for Jewish women?
A: Oil of Oy Vay

Q: What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
A: "Debby Does Dishes."

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A: "Plaintiff."

Q: How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
A: "Your mother pays retail!"

Q: In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become human?
A: When it graduates from med school.

Q: What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft, and her nails long and beautiful?
A: Nothing, nothing at all.




More Email:


What I Want In A Man
via Mary Kay


What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic




What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)

1. Not too ugly - bald head OK.
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car.
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion.
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking.
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes.
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture.
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach.
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down.
10. Shaves on most weekends.




Even More Email:

The Ham Sandwich
via Oracle Service

"As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

"I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster.

"It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"


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