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 Cover Item:
"How to sing the Blues . . . A Primer
"
via Taylor
Author Unknown
1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the
meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes . . . sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch--ain't no way out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an'
state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in
Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places
to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get
rain.
8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues..
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for the Blues:
a) Highway;
b) Jailhouse;
c) Empty bed;
d) Bottom of a whiskey glass.
Bad places for the Blues:
a) Dillard's;
b) Gallery openings;
c) Ivy League institutions;
d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen
to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if
a) You older than dirt;
b) You blind;
c) You shot a man in Memphis;
d) You can't be satisfied.
No, if
a) You have all your teeth;
b) You were once blind but now can see;
c) The man in Memphis lived;
d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are
a) Cheap wine;
b) Whiskey or bourbon;
c) Muddy water;
d) Nasty black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a) Perrier;
b) Chardonnay;
c) Snapple;
d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues
death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down
cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names for women:
a) Sadie;
b) Big Mama;
c) Bessie;
d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names for men
a) Joe;
b) Willie;
c) Little Willie;
d) Big Willie
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing
the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.);
b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.);
c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.);
d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot
sing the blues.
More Email:
"Ladies Bar"
via Taylor
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde. The bouncer
is blonde. I'm a six-foot-tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in
karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a weightlifter, and the
woman on the other side of you is a blonde pro wrestler. Think about it,
mister. You sure you want to tell that joke?
The blind guy replied, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five
times."
Even More Email:
"The Question"
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