 Cover Item:
"Airline Cabin Announcements"
via Dan
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
The Middle Item:
"The Butcher Shop"
via netfunny.com
The line in front of the Butcher shop in Warsaw is long, indeed, and the people grow weary, ever more weary, of the wait. Eventually an official comes out and announces "We are very low on meat; all Jews must leave the line." So the Jews in the line quit the queue and head for home, empty-handed.
After some more of a wait the same official reappears and announces, "We are even lower on meat that we thought. All non-party members must leave the line." So all the non-card-carrying members standing in line begin heading for home, equally empty-handed.
After some more time the official appears to declare "All Serbs and Croats must leave the line; we haven't enough meat for you." Disappointed, they leave the line and wander off.
Well, you guessed it: a bit later the same official appears and informs the remaining people "Unfortunately we have run out of meat entirely - you may as well all go home," and disappears back into the store.
"Isn't that just the way it always is," mutters one old man as he departs. "Those damn Jews get all the breaks!"
The Last Item:
"Going to Las Vegas"
via netfunny.com
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
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