 Cover Item:
"Airline Humor"
via Malmberg
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
The Middle Item:
"Pedro"
via Malmberg
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the
son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said, 'Give me liberty, or give me death.'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces except for Pedro who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'This government of the
people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the
earth'.?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this."
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally, as someone threw an eraser at Pedro, someone shouted, "Duck!"
The teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
The Last Item:
"World's Easiest Quiz"
via Anne B.
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after
what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below! Scroll Down
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
116 years.
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October
Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific is named after
what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
New
Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial
airplane?
Orange, of course.
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