 Cover Item:
Warning: Off-Color Humor
"An Irish Toast"
via Taylor
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come! "
The Middle Item:
"Gift Wrapping"
via G. Green
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is
not just my opinion. This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's
such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I
can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it in the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having
babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
The Last Item:
"The Year Was 1904"
via G. Green
The year is 1904 ... one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
The leading causes of death in the US were pneumonia, influenza and tuberculosis.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6% of all Americans had graduated high school.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
Feel free to send this message anywhere in the world in a matter of seconds! And now try to imagine what the world may be like in another 100 years.
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