 Cover Item:
"Cowboy Boots"
via G. Green
An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!! "
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."
The Middle Item:
"Haircuts"
via G. Green
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the after shave.
Clinton was quick to stop him saying,"No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife has no idea what the inside of a whorehouse smells like".
The Last Item:
"Personal Ads via Seniors"
via G. Green
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4"
(used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and
am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy
chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my
eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many
new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition,
but walks well.
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