 Cover Item:
"AAADD"
via Doreen
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car
and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on
the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when
I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only
1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside
the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm,
and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward
the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better
put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so
I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills
on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what
I was planning to do.
The Middle Item:
"THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER"
via Henry
Fresh from the shower, I stood in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then everyday take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet
paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?", I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years", my
husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of
toilet paper between my breasts every day will make
my breasts bigger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt,
didn't it?"
The Last Item:
"The Baseball Game"
via funnymail.com
A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat
quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few
swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet
screaming "Run, Run!"
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The
Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The
Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run
ye basstarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely
embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the
Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run -
he got four balls."
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride,
man...walk with pride!"
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