 Cover Item:
"One Liners
"
via the Net
Steven Wright
"Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back."
"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."
"Half the people you know are below average."
George Carlin On Driving
"Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
Conan O'Brian On Shopping
"Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Because, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper."
Dennis Miller
"If you want somebody to repair your roads, educate your kids, or purify your water supply, you may want to turn to private enterprise, but if you want massive loads of your enemies wiped out in record time, Uncle Sam is the man for you."
The Middle Item:
"Dad at the Mall"
via Debbie
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son?"
The Last Item:
"Gentle Lessons of Life"
via Ann
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
new replacement for it.
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want
people to know 'why' I look this way.. I've traveled a long, long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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