Quote Of The Month
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
 Cover Item:
"The Juggler"
via G. Green
A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north of the Pa/Md state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a
magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
The Middle Item:
"Agism"
via G. Green
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking...surely I cannot look that old? You may enjoy this short story
which could be true....
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly,
I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my
high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the
deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he
had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high
school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
The Last Item:
"Naked In The Pond"
via Henry S.
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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