 Cover Item:
"Not Happy"
via email
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly
the driver gets out of the car. . . and you know how you just-get-so-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and angrily says, "I'M NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, then which one are you?"
That's when the fight started.
The Middle Item:
"You Do The Math"
via Email
A workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'
'Withouta numbers?' the workman says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks.
'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the workman.
'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'
The workman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'
'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this fellow, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'
The workman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go. One hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'
The workman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd,
dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
The Last Item:
"Tragedy"
via www.the-jokes.com
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
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