Quote Of The Month
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again... it was probably worth it.
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 Cover Item:
GEORGE CARLINISMS
via Henry Stevenson
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an
address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
More Email:
BUYING GIFTS FOR MEN
via Ms. Taylor
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter
if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills.
No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with
the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow Your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you
through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his
car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to
hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one
knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never
buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear
bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones
they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen
TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he
flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it
will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave
or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
"Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the
idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required"
on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have
parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works,
Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab
Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also
excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it
is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this
a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook, but they
will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane
tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who
wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy
origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a
chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what
happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an
extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart
gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of
19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Even More Email:
The Bank Robbery
via Deb T.
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